Winning Your Wife Back
If you’re married, at some point in time you won the heart of your spouse. I don’t know your exact story, but at some point in time, you saw your spouse and decided to pursue them and, as you pursued them, you decided that they were worth fighting for. Eventually you came to a moment when you decided to spend the rest of your life with this person.
It’s one thing to commit to love someone for the rest of your life, but it’s an entirely different thing to actually spend the rest of your life daily choosing to love them.
A big problem happens as soon as you get back from the honeymoon; you’re living together and sharing a room. When you take one sinner and join them with another sinner, you get more sin. And, with the sheer amount of time you’ll be together, you will sin against one another.
Sinner + Sinner = More Sin
Assuming everything goes great, and there’s no outside drama, you’re still both sinners. However, we live in the real world, there will be outside drama, tragedy, and stress.
Some stress comes from good things:
- Starting a new job
- Buying a house
- Having Children
But other stress comes from bad things:
- Losing a job
- Being robbed
- Car accidents
- Struggles with having children
As time passes, between our own sinful nature and the stresses of life, we can get so far off track from the vows we made on our wedding day. Our past good behavior can seem absolutely foreign to our current reactionary patterns of life. But, a successful marriage requires continually choosing to win your wife back; It requires daily choosing to love your spouse.
How do you keep winning with your wife after years of marriage?
I’m writing as a husband, but really these ideas work for winning a wife or a husband back. “Winning your wife” just sounds better. More importantly, I’m writing this essentially to give myself homework and public accountability.
Win With Romance
My wife and I met about a year after The Notebook came out. So, at the time we were dating was the peak of Notebook fever. I even read the book The Notebook. For that matter, I went to Bible college about an hour away from where they filmed The Notebook. It’s like I was setup to have a very easy time being romantic while we were dating. Afternoon dates could literally be spent in all those incredibly romantic locations in The Notebook. Likewise, somehow I got the great idea to copy Noah’s idea to write a romantic letter to Jennifer every day.
There’s just one problem with all of this…I’m not nearly as romantic as I was 10 years ago. I was great at the sprint to convince her to marry me, but I haven’t done nearly as good of a job at the marathon that is the rest of our lives.
The reality is that no one can keep up a sprint pace of romance for a lifetime, but that doesn’t mean you can’t discover a nice consistent romantic jog. Some people are great at dramatic gestures, but fail to do the small day to day things which keep the spark alive. The reality is that, without consistent daily efforts romance your wife, the two of you will drift apart. When you’re drifting apart when things are good, crisis will tear you apart.
A Romantic Routine
What can you do daily…weekly…monthly…yearly to keep the romance alive?
- Find something to compliment
- Say, “I love you,” and give her a hug and kiss
- Make time to have a conversation (even if it’s 3 minutes) which isn’t about business, work, scheduling, or the kids
- Find a way to have a weekly date night…even if you stay home for date night
- Do something with a romantic gesture…chocolates…flowers…surprise gift…special date
- Have an annual getaway weekend with just the two of you
- Review the past year
- Talk about your hopes and dreams for the next year
- Have fun!
The best thing you can do for your family is have a strong, growing and public relationship with Jesus Christ!
As our relationship with Christ grows, the power of sin in our life shrinks. Sin by definition is an action against God’s intended order. Therefore, sin always brings destruction with it. Thus, as the power of Christ grows in your life, the destruction of sin goes away. If you want your life to be more orderly, pursue Christ with all you have. You can’t control your circumstances, but you can control who you are and your reactions.
By living for Christ, your family will reap the benefits.
God on Marriage
Scripture even tells us what it looks like for husbands and wives to have a Godly marriage.
21 And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
22 For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. 24 As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.
25 For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her 26 to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. 27 He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. 28 In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself.
33 So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
Paul in writing to the church of Ephesus makes things very simple:
Husbands & Wives = Submit to each other
- In other words, put the other person first.
- Compete with one another to out love and serve your spouse.
Wives = Submit to Your Husband & Respect Him
- In other words, trust your husband.
- You married him for a reason. Help him be the person you know he can be.
Husbands = Love Your Wife Sacrificially
- In other words, do everything in your power to make your wife as happy as is possible.
- Put your wife before yourself.
- Be willing to give up everything for her.
Win With Trust
At the center of so many marital divides is trust. Trust has so many nuances and ways we can break trust. While we know what trust means, sometimes it’s important to remember what the word really means.
: belief that someone or something is reliable, good, honest, effective, etc.
When you break down that definition and apply it to marriage, things get interesting.
A belief that someone is…
- Can you be trusted to show up?
- Can you be trusted to pull your weight in the family?
- Can you be trusted with your responsibilities in the family?
- Can you be trusted to be a person of character?
- Can you be trusted to be alone?
- Can you be trusted to not keep secrets?
- Can you be trusted to tell the whole truth the first time?
- Can you be trusted to share your opinions in an appropriate way?
- Can you be trusted to get things done?
- Can you be trusted to work together?
Where have you broken trust? What do you need to do to make things right?
The hard thing about trust is that it takes years to earn and only a moment to lose. Are you willing to spend each day trying to earn the trust of your spouse? Winning your wife back requires earning your wife’s trust. What do you need to do to win her back?
When it comes to winning your wife back, there are countless areas where you can choose to proactively pursue your spouse. Above, I mentioned three areas (romance, spiritually, and trust), but depending on your dynamic, your problem might come from somewhere else. Think about where you might need to improve your relationship with your spouse.
- Win as a parent
- Win as a friend
- Win with your attitude
- Win with your perspective
- Win with your leadership
You know you, your spouse, and your marriage best. Where do you need a win to win your wife back?
I’ve started writing a much longer version as an eBook.